tuckergurl

This Made My Day

I am in the throes of production for my short film, Divine. More stories to follow about that but --

I had to go to the Columbia site to confirm that the millions I am borrowing for this endeavor have cleared. (OK, it's not millions but marrying rich is a priority now.) I came upon this article, Study Finds Depression Intensifies from One Generation to Next, which confirms my greatest fear: that losing my mind is in the not too distant future.

Here is a tidbit:

Nearly 60 percent of children whose parents and grandparents suffered from depression have a psychiatric disorder before they reach their early teens, according to a new study by researchers at Columbia University Medical Center (CUMC) and the New York State Psychiatric Institute (NYSPI). This incidence is more than double the number of children (approximately 28 percent) who develop such disorders with no family history of depression.

I try not t take these things too seriously. Yes, mental illness runs deep in my family but sometimes you come across articles like this and it just makes you freak out a bit.

A Stressful News Day

I’ve been having many coffees with women who have bipolar disorder for my documentary. Each woman deals with their disorder in different ways, either through alternative medicine or medication, and as I sit with them, I am always amazed at how much work we have to do on ourselves to be happy. That's true for everyone, not just women with bipolar.

Each woman had to figure out the things that cause them anxiety and not do them. They could be small like not standing behind people who walk too slowly down the street. Or bigger things like cutting people out of their lives that cause them misery. Each woman mentioned that they do not read or watch the news. They have friends or family mention things to them but it is too much for them to get all of that information at one time.

Think about the anxiety it brings you when it is a bad news day and then imagine if you had a mental illness. Your reactions to these things could either leave you in bed for a week or make you go on a manic spending spree or even worse things that I don't even want to get into. One woman told me that when she read the newspaper, she could literally envision all of the stories in her head. It would go on for days.

Today, I know exactly what she means. I just opened the newspaper and listened to NPR and couldn't deal with it. My head started to hurt and I just had this feeling like maybe doing that isn't always the right thing for me. Take a look at some of the highlights:

*Bush speaking at the RNC – I watched five minutes and just became so depressed that he was our president and that people were cheering for him.

*Pataki speaking at the RNC – see above and change President to Governor

*Clinton in the hospital for heart surgery – I can’t even talk about this at length. He is in my prayers and I never say stuff like that. You never really know how attached you are to someone until something bad happens to them.

*Soldiers storm school in Russia – NPR’s Morning Edition did interviews with people who are in Russia right now on the site. The death toll is unclear but hundreds have been injured.

This weekend I am staying out of the loop. If something happens, let me know. Otherwise, I'm just sitting around, having some coffee and napping.

My Little Life

The Blog Police has gotten huffy about my recent dip in posts. Things have been crazed and I have a cough that my licensed professional thinks is in my head. Sigh. I've been working a lot on my own stuff which has been cool but I am getting concerned about this feeling I have that I am totally fried and am on the verge of white walls and thick straps.

I am getting a proposal together for The National Black Programming Consortium for my documentary about African-American women with bipolar disorder and am trying to cut together a trailer. (My co-producer finally brought me to my senses and made me pay someone to cut it.) I just did an amazing interview with this woman, Wambui, who is an actress who has a one-woman show Off-Broadway, Balancing Act, about her experiences as an African American with bipolar disorder. Ever do an interview with someone (or even have a conversation) where their story is so harrowing that you literally feel drained just hearing it? She was misdiagnosed (or rather not diagnosed) for about twenty years and has had everything under the sun happen to her. Talking to her made me feel how important it is for me to get this project done, if not for myself, for all of the women like her who have had to live with a mental illness that has gone undiagnosed.

I also have begun auditions for my short film and thesis for little old Columbia U's film school, Divine. I am amazed at how many more out of work actresses there are than actors and I need more men than women. I am amazed at the caliber of actors I've seen as well. I mean, it just goes to show how many talented African-American actors there are out there. Now, if only I could find a lounge to shoot in that wouldn't charge me a million dollars. Sigh.

Honestly, have I said I'm tired? I feel like Zach Braff on his Garden State blog and I'm not even anywhere near as famous as he is. (Garden State is really good by the way. Really good. Well, the ending is kind of lame but ... God, I'm such a filmmaker. I can't enjoy anything!) Thanks everyone for reading. You all are so great. OK, NOW I sound like Zach Braff on his blog.

"The Crazy Person On The Train"

We all have those mornings where there's that person talking to themselves on a crowded train. And everyone is really anxious because when someone is talking to themselves with such passion, you never can be sure if they are harmless or if they are violent. And everyone reads their newspaper more intently than they ever have or stare deep into their Ozzie's TO GO cup.

Maybe because yesterday was Memorial Day or maybe because I am PMSing, I don't know but I was really struck by her. Since my mother was bipolar, I often wonder if she looked that way to other people. I hope and pray that she was never "the crazy person on the train" but she probably was. And she was completely harmless really. I hope she was treated with some kind of understanding.

Right now, I feel the need to plug The National Association for the Mentally Ill. They are doing a great symposium entitled: African Americans: Facing Mental Illness & Experiencing Recovery. I will be going for research for my film. Well, maybe not just for that. I just want to start DOING something to change the things I see that hurt and disturb me and try to make a difference. You should check them out.

The March

I went to the March on Sunday and it was really, really amazing! Many people saw the march as more of a pro-choice rally but I really was more focused on the part of the mission on the march that goes like this, " To address disturbing statistics that indicate widespread disparate treatment options offered to women due to race, income, and age, to help women protect their lives from breast cancer, over-use of hormone replacement therapies, medical abuses, and other issues that threaten women’s health."

I brought my camera and decided to interview African American women about health care and why they were marching today. As I think more and more about my documentary, I think that in order to make a film about African American women and mental illness, I feel like we have to address the larger issue of how horrible the healthcare system is in this country, especially for women with fewer resources.

The crazy thing is that I interviewed six African American women and four did not have health insurance, one was paying $500 a month personally for healthcare and one had health insurance through her job. How scary is that?! I think the interviews went well though I am bummed that my mike broke for one of the interviews. The woman, Rha Goddess, is a spoken word poet I've seen in Brooklyn though so I can interview her later. Still, I'm bummed about that.

I can't decide if I thought there was a good showing of women of color. I have to say that although there were about 500,000, they say, I didn't feel like there were that many women of color when you think of how much of the population they make up. Still, I was impressed by how the speakers represented such a large and diverse portion of the US.

Adventures with Licensed Professionals

I have two random thoughts that I have to post:

* My new therapist looks like Goran Visnjic (of ER fame) and the verdict is still out as to whether or not I can see someone that hot! He even has an accent. Still, we had a great session and I feel like he gets me which is cool. Plus, he's foreign so has an understanding of being an "other" in a way that many white men do not.

*In my bereavement group (which is amazing by the way!), one of the gals in it said that she just felt great that her parents instilled the "right stuff" in her and I thought that was cool. I feel the same way.

Everwood and Me

I love Everwood. I don't know when I got so cheesy but I just think it is a well-acted show and the guys aren't even that cute so I know my love is real and true.

This year, Amy, the requisite gorgeous, clueless, Estella from Great Expectations-esque character, has struggled with depression. At first it was one of the most brilliant moves the show had ever made. Colin, her long term boyfriend, died after a long struggle with a brain tumor. On most shows, she would have been sad over the summer and eventually fallen in love with some other stud, conveniently introduced a few episodes before Colin's death so the viewers feel less betrayed. This time, Amy actually grieved ... for most of the season. She made a bunch of bad decisions, was kind of a brat, and just felt generally displaced throughout the season.

Eventually she began taking anti-depressants, something her doctor father did not want his "perfect" daughter to do. And the great thing was that the show did not play the drugs as the end all be all. Once she was "better" she still had to deal with her new life and try to make amends with all of the people she hurt along the way.

So, with all of this background, you can now see why I was kind of disappointed by Monday's episode. Amy's therapist, her aunt who is HIV positive -- more about that in another entry -- suggested that she go off of her Paxil.

I must interject here with a personal bit. Lately, I have been feeling depressed again. I've never been medicated for it but it's something that I've been back and forth about. I do have a history of mental illness in my family so I am more prone to depression than the average bear. Still, I've always been in that place where my therapist has said to me I didn't have to go on something but if I felt like I needed something to get through a particularly bad spell, that they would prescribe something. So I'm back in that place and kind of unsure whether or not to take the plunge.

But back to Everwood, Amy was freaked out about the idea of going off of her meds and then going back to the way she was, and being that way would upset her family again. Her doctor felt that wasn't going to happen. At the end of the episode, she was about to get her prescription when she ran into Colin's mother who was kind of frazzled and out of it. (Basically, the crazy person stereotype.) Colin's Mom made some comment about her Paxil keeping the store in business. Amy smiled politely and walked out of the store. Once outside, she threw her prescription into the garbage.

I was so disappointed because up until now Everwood was breaking such new ground. Now reverting back to the "crazy" person idea as something you don't want to be associated with and having this be reason to go off your medication is kind of troubling. It's clear that the writers wanted to end this storyline but couldn't really figure out a way to do it sensitively. I mean, the lead female character of a show like this one cannot be on anti-depressants forever. She has to be "normal" so that she can get with the lead boy. End of story.

I'll keep watching but again, I was kind of disappointed. I'll keep you updated on me. I am just kind of thinking about it all right now.

Are You Bipolar?

I am working on this film about African American women with bipolar disorder so I am totally obsessed with it. My mother had it and as a child of someone who is bipolar, you are always a little curious mainly about whether or not it is going to happen to you. So, this month's New York Magazine's cover article, Are You Bipolar?was a welcome sight for me.

Bipolar has changed face in a new era. Gone (thankfully and hopefully) are the days where being diagnosed as bipolar was almost a death sentance. Back when my Mom was alive, folks just gave her some hardcore, non-working lithium and called it a day. Now, there are several medications and in the words of the writer, "various shades of bipolar".

This article begins so promisingly in really dispelling the stereotypes that exist about being bipolar in today's society. Still, the end is disappointing. The article begins almost by showing a young woman (a Carrie of SITC type gal) navigating through this illness and keeping her humor and her essence in tact. However, having the conclusion be that she goes to another therapist who shows her to have been misdiagnosed just seems strange. It made the article almost seem like her week in the life of someone bipolar.