Being Real

This morning I read this incredible entry from a blogger I do not know personally but have been reading for quite some time. She is trying to get pregnant and is having a hard time doing so. I love her photography and was initially drawn to her for that. Now I feel like I've come to know her. Blogs are so strange that way.

I do not relate to wanting to get pregnant (obviously) but I do relate to this feeling of not being sure what to write about on your blog, to this feeling that because you were in a positive space, you do not want to reveal that you have quickly turned that positive space into a negative one. I am not Pollyanna. No one comes here to read my inspirational quips but as the number of people who read my blog grows, I have been a bit more self conscious that I used to be. I go back to my earlier entries where I was so real and raw. Now I sometimes feel a bit ... back to that word ... self conscious.

I know that people do not expect me to be happy or perfect or have it all figured out. Because well, I don't. But I never talk here about the hard time I am having dealing with going into the hospital, for example, when my entire immediate family has died there. It feels so irrational and over the top especially because my surgery is fairly minor. And I never talk about how hard it is for me to find a mate and that as more time passes, I become more and more worried about it. And I also never talk about how hard it can be working on a film that no one wants to fund me for though I see people all around me getting funded all the time. And I never talk about my seriously beginning to consider adoption, earlier than I ever thought I would, not because I do not think I can physically have a baby -- I've become more ambivalent about that as time goes on especially because I already know that I am going to have a hard time because of some health stuff. -- but because I have been thinking/wanting to adopt a slightly older child.

Honestly though when I go through phases where I am not writing here, I am not really going deep in my personal journal either. I am simply using it for my grocery list or movie list or a space to gripe about the annoying people on the train with me that morning. (I write in my journal during my 40 min commute to work.)

Anyway, I do not know an ending for this. Sorry for run on sentences. I have to go to work so I am done. Later!

Comments

[Ore]

I definitely can relate with the early part of your post. I also re-read my earliest posts and they were so honest. Now, I cannot imagine writing all that in such a public forum especially as so many people know who I am.

That is partly why I so seldomly post these days, because I struggle with what to disclose. Perhaps I should just have been an anonymous blogger..

BTW, I love how disciplined you are carving out time for your journal everyday.

Ore

[ms world]

DAMN! THAT WAS POWERFUL. I, TOO WENT THROUGH A "WHAT IF I NEVER HAVE A BABY PERIOD" BEFORE I WENT ABROAD. I DID GET OVER IT BY COMING TO TERMS WITH THE IDEA OF ADOPTION. I DONT WANT TO GET INTO STUFF HERE. I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY BUT LET'S TALK ON THE PHONE SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY ABOUT YOUR HOSPITAL STAY. YOUR IN MY THOUGHTS. MS WORLD