Insecurity is hot!

Lately, I have been having a crisis of faith.  I am not really sure why.  I have come to the decision, or rather, the full understanding that I need to do my own thing.  I need to put myself and my work out there more fully.  I have been making huge strides.

But all of a sudden I was filled with doubt.  I had this block.  It was strange.  I started to feel like people would not care what I had to say. 

Then I got really frustrated with myself about being so cliche.  "Blocks" are so cliche.  It's one thing to be unintentionally cliche but to be cliche and to see it with both eyes.  Yuck.

The other day I called my Uncle Charles by mistake.  He and my friend have almost the exact same number.  Uncle Charles is 301 and my friend is 310.  In the middle of the afternoon, I picked up my cell to call my friend and then I heard my Uncle's voice.  We talked for almost an hour about family gossip and then about me, about me feeling confident enough to do my own thing, about my wanting a change and feeling like a change needs to come in order for me to live my life to the fullest.  It was a great conversation.  It was one of those moments where the universe gave me exactly what I needed when I needed it.

The other moment that the universe gave back was tonight during my weekly spending spree at Barnes and Nobles.  After my licensed professional on the UWS, I either have a meal with a friend or I wander through B&N and buy a book.  For weeks, I have passed Amy Fusselman's 8 and wondered why I wanted to read it.  It is a book with an 8 on the cover that seems like a stream of consciousness book about well ... nothing.  Today I let 8 jump the book line and I bought it.  (My Mom always said that money spent on books is never money wasted.  Because I buy a book a week, clearly I take this seriously.)

I am almost done with 8.  It is a very short book, almost 100 pages, and I am completely smitten.  It is a random, all over the place book and I adore it.

I realized something today.  I like randomness.  I aspire to randomness.  When I say randomess I mean not being a 100% sure where something is going.  I mean miscallaneous things being brought up at strange times.  (This is the attraction to Miranda July by the way.  I get many emails about this and it is the only way I can describe it.)  This is what drew me to 8. Figuring this out has freed me from my block a bit because I am trying to embrace my own form of randomness.

Comments

[Ms World]

What a great post! I really feel you on the "wanting a change" feeling. I heard a great sermon at church on this topic. If you are wanting, feeling, and trying to usher the change in your life- it will come!

[beebs]

Why is the post called "insecurity is hot." ??