The Closer

Over dinner the other day my friend presented a theory as to why we were both single. She said, "We're not closers. Other women are closers but not us."

This came after a conversation about a guy I had a crush on. He worked at a bar and for a brief spell I was stopping by to chat with him. OK, it was not a brief spell exactly. It was two times. The last time I stopped by I offered my number to get the name of his tattoo artist because I had finally figured out what tattoo I wanted and was looking for suggestions for someone to do it. (By the way, if you have any in the NY area, let me know!) I never heard from him and to me, that was that. I had tried my best.

I told my friend this and she looked at me strangely. Her face said, "That's it!" I immediately thought that she would be on my side. She is a tough, no nonsense girl. Insead she asked, "How many men have you been into lately?" Not many actually. "I'm just sayin. Try a little harder."

There is this speech that Alec Baldwin has in David Mamet's Glengarry Glen Ross where he talks to a bunch of guys in his real estate office essentially about why they suck. Their problem is that they don't know how to close. Here's a little excerpt:

Blake: Go and do likewise, gents. The money's out there, you pick it up, it's yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it's yours. If not you're going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman, it's a tough racket." (he takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Williamson) They're for closers. I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it.

This monologue does not simply apply to real estate but to dating as well. Some women can close. They can meet the guy and something happens, quickly. And when I say something I don't mean a hookup. I mean they actually begin dating this person. I used to be a closer and somehow I have lost it. I meet someone interesting but nothing really happens. I'm not saying it's completely my fault but I am saying that this ability that other people have to "close" has been lost on me lately.

My friend wanted me to open this up to the blog community and so I am. What makes a closer? I want to know.

Comments

[L. Britt]

I think it comes from actually believing that one can close. If a girl thinks a guy is attainable, she'll go for it. If a girl was into a guy who she thought was a schmuck, she would land him no problem. It's like the Buddha quote: "She is able who thinks she is able." SO much easier said than done.

You can totally get that guy that works at that bar, by the way.

[Ms. World]

Very interesting subject matter! I have very little to offer but I think L. Britt has a good point. I honestly haven't met anyone I wanted to "close on" since I came back to the U.S.

[m.]

hrm.

I don't know about this "closing" business.

I can understand why it works with people. It seems that some people just need a knock on the head (and by "knock" I mean a little persistence) and suddenly they're more inclined towards someone romantically than they were pre-knock-on-head. Or maybe they would've been romantically-inclined regardless of said knock, but needed the persistence in order to gain confidence into acting.

HOWEVER -- this road has never worked for me. All successful relationships of mine, have always been moved forward by both parties, mutually. Sooo mutually -- that one could hardly figure out who was responsible for the initial "move."

Any of the men with whom I was forced into persistence-mode -- really ended up being just a waste of my time. They might've gone out with me once or twice -- but the dates would always be duds.

If two people are right for one another -- there needs be no persistent or repetitive acts to gain the other's attention. There needs be no closing.

Well... Perhaps that's not completely true! There's nothing wrong with dropping the hint of an opportunity for a future re-connect. If the other party is interested, they'll jump at it.

All of this aside -- if the goal is just FUN -- I think the practice of "closing" on MANY different bachelors could lead to, if not successful relationships. then, AT LEAST much amusement.

[beebs]

I have no idea what it takes to "close" because I never "close". But I agree with L-B; I don't really think it matters if you close or not. Things like that are really up to the gods I suppose. What I do think matters is that one take themselves seriously and believe that they are closers. Its always the same story- if you believe you are lucky -then you are. If you believe you deserve something- then you do. Furthermore, I feel like there are two girl closers that we all know: One is the aggressive flirter- she sees what she wants and she so actively goes for it that the victim never even saw what he was in for. The second is simply the girl who knows what she wants- she believes that the object of her affections would be lucky to have her on most days, albeit I am sure she is wrapped with insecurities just like the rest of us. Now both these girls are closers- but I would bet my ass that the second continues to have meaningful relationships while the first just signs up for car crash after car crash. So I guess the lesson is that we all have to walk a line that balances between lovable humility and functional confidence. After all its not whether or not the deal gets closed- it's the value of the deal that you are closing. And now I must go off and not follow any of my own words what-so-ever- =)

[Teresa]

Just like the book says: He's not that into you--if he was interested he would be making the call and hooking you up with the tattoo artist and doing anything and everything to please you.

This "closing" business is all nonsense. The simple fact is: men want you when you don't want them. It's simple biology, they all have the hunter instinct--they are compelled to pursue. You offering up your phone number, being open, being friendly... all foreign concepts to them--that puts you at a disadvantage because it makes them believe you are too easy for them to capture. (i.e. no challenge)

I have this guy at work that I thought I liked and I developed a small crush on him. We are always friendly to each other and have great, great conversations and wonderful chemistry.

I then found out that he had a girlfriend, so I curbed my interest in him--oh, I'm still friendly--I just don't make extra time for chatting with him anymore.

Since I stopped being "extra friendly", guess what happened? Everytime I look up, there he is. He's coming up behind me in the break room, touching me, finding me in the conference room, staring at me from down the hall, helping to take my stuff to the car, bringing me coffee. In other words, as soon as my open admiration stopped he was and is all over me.

Men are all the same creature and are far too simple-minded to act in any other way. Forget about the bartender--move on. Anyway, I hate most men, so I'm prejudiced. :-)

[L. Britt]

I like Beebs distinction about the two different types of closers. Often people confuse the two. There is a vital distinction. The first closer focuses on outward signs of confidence; the second focuses on creating inward confidence.

[The Rover]

I think Teresa's half-right. If a guy's into you, he'll do whatever it takes to get your attention. And that's why I don't agree with her "hard to get" idea.

Similiarly, I think that guys are good or bad closers. (I'm a pretty good closer, but a terrible starter.) But I don't know that it applies to women as much. Unless you're asking for the guy's number...and I can count on one hand the number of times that's happened to me. (And that's a totally different soapbox...)

[Berry]

My friend in real estate was saying the same thing!!! She made the same connection that you need to close the deal before the prospect walks away. Interesting....