tuckergurl

Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple

I have always had a strange fascination with the story of what happened in Jonestown, Guyana in 1978. For those who do not know, it is the story of a mass suicide of over 900 people orchestrated by Jim Jones, a minister and cult leader. I have always found cults interesting. It is sort of morbid I know but I really needed to know what made all of those people drink the Kool Aid. I am not sure I will ever fully understand it but the stories of these people is told in a compelling way. The whole thing was a huge tragedy. Truly.

This is the first of a few films I am seeing at The Tribeca Film Festival. This festival kind of gets on my nerves because I feel like they have completely sold out but that's another rant for another day. This documentary directed by Stanley Nelson is really well done. So well done that my friend and I are never going to make another Kool Aid joke again. We felt low, really low.

It is worth seeing at Tribeca (though you could catch it in 2007 on PBS' American Experience. Howeever, if you're like me, you do not have Tivo or DVR and will forget it's on.) One thing though is I hate Q and As after the films. People just ask the dumbest, most inappropriate questions. It is sort of amazing. I kept holding my friend's hand in horror at the dumb questions. Geez.

More films to come ...

Stigma

My blog is always a great barometer for me. If I have a hard time writing on it, it means something is going on with me. It's not that I always have to write personal things per say. It just becomes really clear to me that I am blocked in some way and I have to sort of figure it out. That's how I've been feeling lately.

Sunday was the one year anniversary of my brother's death. Friday my sister-in-law had a memorial service to honor the one year anniversary. Honestly, I did not want to do it. I have felt guilty about admitting that but it was how I felt. My brother's funeral was painful enough and all I feel like we did was fight over who missed him more. And I just can not fight that fight anymore. It sucks. But I went because what else was I supposed to do.

It was nice to see all of these people who cared for my brother. I was glad that the service was beneficial for them but honestly, it was hard for me. I just felt like I did not want to to do this all over again. I did not cry at the service. Not at all. It's not that I didn't want to honor my brother. I did but feeling the pain of his death all over again was not what I wanted and honestly, not what I think he would have wanted. So I sort of shut down. I've been sort of shut down for the past few days and I guess I needed to do that. I haven't really wanted to talk to anyone about it. At all. I have just been feeling sort of grumpy and depressed but in a managable way if that makes any sense.

Today, my LP said something that made me really think. He said that I was so concerned with not being stigmatized by people that sometimes I do not allow myself to feel things the way I need to feel them. (Truthfully, sometimes I am stigmatized by people and it drives me crazy.) He thinks that sometimes I do not allow myself to feel pain when I need to feel pain. That it is holding me back in ways I am probably not even aware of.

My big thing in therapy is for it not to be a pity party. I really do not want to see someone who just tells me how sorry they feel for me. I want to just come up with tools to move on. And he has been great about that. But today he wanted me to admit myself and aloud to him that something horrible had happened to me. That my brother's death was a horrible tragedy. That experiencing that without parents makes it even more of a tragedy and it is a painful thing that happened specifically to me. That acting like it is not horrible is hurting me more than anything. And that letting people act like their pain is more meaningful or profound than mine is bullshit. (OK, I added the bullshit part.)

It was hard for me to do. I felt like I was feeling sorry for myself but it was so painful for me to do that I guess I needed to do it. I have always been afraid that feeling sadness and pain over this is this abyss that I will fall into and never come out of. Now that I have let myself fall into it a bit I see that I can come out of it. I just have to let myself fall into when I need to. It makes me feel human and more alive if that makes sense.

(A random non-sequitur. Elizabethtown is a bad movie but the soundtrack is really good. I have been listening to it a lot lately and it is great when you are in a reflective mood. Just a tip.)

Mortified Tonight!!!!

This is crazy last minute but I am reading in this hilarious series, Mortified tonight at 7pm.  It features grown folk like me reading from their journals/class assignments/letters from camp.  You name it.  It is their one year anniversary in NYC and is always a good time.  I love doing it!  Check it out.

It's Like The Alphabet In Sign Language

I should go to bed.  I have an early morning staff meeting and I am trying to keep up my early morning meditation sessions.  But for some reason, I can not sleep.  I don't know if it is my new fancy manicure and pedicure or what.

I watched Charlie Rose for a while after chatting on the phone.  Elvis Mitchell is taking over for Charlie tonight and is doing a pretty good job.  I have a little crush on Elvis.  He likes himself a little too much usually but I think the format of the show is humbling him.  It takes a lot guts to do a talk show with a black scrim and no commercials.  It's not as easy as it looks.

After Charlie, my perfect timing lets me catch Sixteen Candles on AMC right at my favorite part.  The moment at the church when the cars are driving away and The Thompson Twins' "If You Were Here" begins to play.  You know the rest.  Jake Ryan drives in his red car and takes Sam away and they kiss over the cake.  Heaven!

This is the moment I should go to bed but then ...

Breakfast Club begins to play.  I LOVED this movie for many, many years.  I memorized it.  And when I saw memorized it, I mean, I knew every single word, in both the cut and uncut versions.  The cut version is cool because Anthony Michael Hall dubbed his section after his voice changed so it's pretty hysterical.  I like to watch The Breakfast Club every once in a while to see if I still have it.  If I still remember it.  It's like knowing the alphabet in sign language.  I feel cool for knowing it and do not want to forget it.

The Breakfast Club was the essence of my childhood.  I saw it the day it came out with my Mom who fell asleep in the middle and who hated it.  She called me from work at 4pm and wanted to check that I really wanted to see "this dumb movie".  She was tired and wanted to wait until Saturday but I reminded her that she promised to take me the day it came out and the day after was not the same thing.

My only prayer for sleep tonight is to turn the film off during a commercial break.  That's a good strategy.  The next one.  Though I do really want to see the moment when Molly Ringwald does Ally Sheedy's hair and she looks all April fresh.  Or the section when Emilio Estevez starts to cry when he talks about his overbearing father.  Or the moment when Ally Sheedy pretends to be a nymphomanic but admits that she is instead a compulsive liar.

Time to walk away.  I must walk away...

Breaking News

Rush Limbaugh is a bigger jerk than I thought. Here is proof.

Can't Get A Date

I have a hard time resisting bad VH1 shows. A hard time. Can't Get A Date is no exception. The emphasis in Can't Get a Date is on its characters. It's a show about the changes real people make to find love. Once you make those changes, you get a date that you get through your own efforts. (With the help of VH1's Producers of course.) Usually the people on this show are big, big losers that you can laugh at because you are better/cooler than them. This week featured a girl that could have been me (minus her six year old son of course). It got me thinkin.

The girl was Mya, Brooklyn based documentary film maker. She looks a lot like me on paper. Creative, funny, likes to go out but has no game. Yep, that's me. There was a whole section about Mya's inability to flirt and yep, that was also me. She also has body issues and honestly, that's me too. She would not talk to a guy. She was a friendly, outgoing girl who is not shy really but when it comes to men, she sort of fell apart. That's me too.

My Mya like tendancies came out a few weeks ago when I was at APT. My friends continued to tell me how hot I looked and I actually felt hot. But for some reason, I could not flirt. At all. I could even feel some guys looking at me and I sort of fell out of the mood. I just feel like I do not know what to do and sort of wait for someone to approach me. Plus, I can not deal with the competition in a setting like that. It sort of stresses me out and I just opt out of the whole thing.

The thing I never thought about that they said to Mya on Can't Get A Date is that men do not approach women who do not give them some kind of signal. Guys who do are well, weird, says the host. (The host is this guy that you never see. He is sort of this glib voice that enters the scene like the voice of God. It grew on me but annoyed me at first.) So you have to meet guys half way. I know that seems pretty obvious but I think I heard it for the first time.

I was inspired by Mya's transformation. I took copious notes! This summer might be my summer for transformation. I feel like I've been undergoing one ever since I've been back.

(A shout out to VH1 by the way for a more diverse group of people on this show. Good job.)

Awake and Sing!

I saw Awake and Sing last night at the Belasco Theater. It was really, really great. My friends (and former co-workers) at Lincoln Center Theater hooked me and my friend and fellow Mark Ruffalo lover, Maggie, up with tickets. I thank them. It rocked. I haven't seen a really good play like that in a while. It is so inspiring and it has such a powerful message that is delivered in such a non-cheesy way: You make your own destiny. Nothing is a foregone conclusion. You can change your life.

It made me feel really good. I recommend it highly.

A Kindred Spirit

I feel much better. Tony Soprano's nephew is freaked out by driving. I am not alone.

I Am A Delicate Flower

I find that as I get older, I become more sensitive to things. Many movie theaters are pulling the trailer for United 93, the movie about the fourth plane hijaked on Sept. 11th. I do think that pulling the trailer is wrong. Censorship is running rampant throughout the film industry, throughout every where for that matter. I for one am getting a bit sick of how conservative everyone has become.

But I did see the trailer the other day and I had a really, really hard time watching it. It just brought all of the Sept. 11th stuff back. It made me just feel all around bad and I can not even imagine how it makes other people feel. It looks really well made and all of that but I for one think I am just going to skip it. I am intrigued to see what others think of it.

On a random note, I am sort of bored by everything out right now. I don't even want to see Inside Man, if you can believe it. I just sort of feel like I can wait for the DVD.

A Thought

Sometimes you should just say no. I have a hard time doing this.

Many of you will find this hard to believe but in some selected situations, this is the case. When someone asks you, "Can I ask you a personal question?" You can say no. When someone wants to engage you in a conversation that you do not want to, you can say no.

For some reason I always want to appear really laid back and open. And I am. But an open person can be closed sometimes and that is fine. A laid back person can say that something bothers them and there is nothing wrong with that. Deep down I think I did not really believe this but I see it's true now.

I hate cryptic blog entries like this but in keeping with the spirit of this entry, I am not saying too much.