A Constant State of Crisis

My Damaged, Out of Focus Eyes
Originally uploaded by tuckergurl.

“I had not sufficiently appreciated it.”

Joan Didion says this several times in her latest book, The Year of Magical Thinking. Didion uses this term to describe most things having to do with her husband, John Dunne, who died a few years ago. Usually I feel this way about family but today, today I feel this way about me eyes. I’ll explain.

Last Friday night, Beth and I had one of our drunken jaunts through Brooklyn. Many shots were done. We danced. Suddenly, my eye began to hurt from my contacts. With my drunken logic, I took the contact out of my eye, put it in my mouth to wet it, put it back in my eye and then continued with our night.

**Squirm/laugh/scold … here is a moment for you to do so. Whatever your reaction, I deserve it. Take your time.**

Anyway, Saturday morning came along and my eye was red and burning but since I had already made plans to go apple picking, I trudged forward using Clear Eyes and Advil, which helped, somewhat. By Monday, I was in a bit less pain but a new symptom had appeared. My right eye was cloudy. The vision from my right eye resembled the way one would see if they had not cleaned their contact lenses in months! I knew I had to go to the Doctor.

It turns out I have a corneal ulcer. This meant that I had to put antibiotics on my right eye day and night (meaning setting a clock every hour and putting the antibiotics on, which means not sleeping) for several days and had to go to the doctor every day, for the next few days. When I was diagnosed with this, I flipped out. My ophthalmologist, a stony, handsome guy simply said, “ We have to observe you but a vast majority of people get through this fine.”

A vast majority of people get through this fine. This provided no comfort.

Now, in order to understand my hypochondria, you have to understand that odds have not been on my side. Because both my brother and my father passed away from things that initially were deemed routine, I did not put much faith in that word. I was scared sh**less.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must say that I have been really lazy about taking care of my contact lenses. I’ve been sleeping in them and these, my last pair, really needed to be replaced a long, long time ago. I cannot say I could not afford to buy new contact lenses or even to get a checkup. I spend a lot of money on fancy dinners and Old Navy clothing. I could have afforded this. I’m just like that. I’m bad at taking care of myself. I get that from my Dad. It seems to take particular effort.

These past few days, having limited vision, has really made me see just how important my vision is to me. I mean, I’m a filmmaker. It’s what I do! I needed to go to the library to watch archival footage for the documentary I am working on and could not do it. I had passes to see Jarhead but could not go because the light from the projector already almost killed me when I saw Shopgirl and I just could not risk it again. (I have mixed feelings about Shopgirl by the way but my eyes were burning so I should not judge.) I could not watch T.V. and instead ended up listening to Prison Break during my all night eye antibiotics spree. (Wow, listening to shows really makes you see just how badly written some shows are and how eye candy like Wentworth Miller really is what these shows are about.)

Today, my opthomologist said that I was moving in the right direction. My eyes seem a lot better. My right eye is still a little cloudy but I am on the happy road to recovery.

I spoke to my licensed professional (aka my therapist) about all of this and he was sympathetic. I decided that today, I would ask him how he thought I was progressing in my therapy. Whether he thought I was getting “better”, whatever that means. (I question my sanity on a daily basis and every once in a while I have to bring him in on the discussion.) After we had a long, drawn out conversation about why I wanted to know this and in what manner did I want this feedback, he said that I was actually getting better at taking care of myself, emotionally anyway. That I was almost remarkable in my resilience. That made me feel good.

His one comment was, and I want to get this exactly right … He said that I was in a constant state of crisis.

I did not know what that meant. He explained.

Life lately, for me, has been multiple crises, real crises that I had to handle, manage. And I was able to do that which is great. But these experiences have led me to see life as a whole as a series of crises that have to be managed. So my eye for example became another crises that I had to manage. That I assumed oh, of course I was going to go blind because that is how life goes for me and it is just another crisis. That work has become like that, especially since being a Producer is essentially all about crisis management. And these things have given me an almost negative perception of what life, living, really is. This attitude that I have acquired is particularly destructive if happiness is the goal, which of course, it is.

I told him that I had to think about this and he said, of course. That this was a big thing. He said that it is not something that I have to try to change but again for us to talk about. I guess it is more for me to think about. Yeah, I guess it is.

Comments

[Berry]

All of that from licking your contact or perhaps it was a symptom resulting in you licking the contact. Bottom line, I guess if it ever happens to me I will probably take them out and keep dancing or wet them with clean water. That is very scary. You therapist's comments are interesting. I watch "Starting Over" on NBC and one of the therapists on there made a similar comment to one of the women. She said that when there is constant crisis in your life, it means you don't have to deal with your issues because you are always putting out fires. Interesting. I also live in crisis mode and tend to surround myself with people with similar tactics. Of course people of the darker hue tend to be a bit more dramatic than our lighter counterparts but it is something to ponder. Thought provokings posts.

[maura]

Jeesh! Moistening your contacts with spit! That's a first! I'm definitely going to remember that one.

When I was in high school I was notorious for taking terrible care of my contacts. I had daily wear -- but slept in them for MONTHS at a time.

If my left eye was irritated, I wouldn't force it to suffer with the contact lens. But, I wouldn't revert to glasses either. I'd just wear the right one. The right one, alone.

NOW -- the strength of vision is drastically different between both eyes. As my optomotrist described it, "Your right eye has severely weakened due to all the stress you've put on it, while letting your left eye lay back behind all that hair." (Oh yeah -- I let my long hair cover my left eye, which alleviated the depth perception problems I was having, due to the unequal vision.)

ANYWAY -- I'm glad you're going to be OK. BUT DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!

P.S. I'm intrigued by Berry's comment: "...people of the darker hue tend to be a bit more dramatic than our lighter counterparts..." That's got me pondering...

[maura]

P.P.S.

I think Berry is right re: crisis mode allowing one to avoid one's issues. I've definitely heard that before.

But -- I always associated that with people who CREATE the crises in their lives.

Forgive me to comment on this, considering I don't know you very well -- but from what I can see:

You definitely did not create the crises in your life (bad choice on the contact treatment -- but that's just a blip on the radar screen!)

But, perhaps it's brought you to same place as those hypothetical people who DO create the crises in their lives.

The difference: they WILLED themselves to this place. With you: the forces of nature willed you there.

You can tell me to shut up now.

I have no authority on this subject whatsoever.

[tuckergurl]

Hmm ... Interesting. I'll think about all of it. By the way, I too am fan of Starting Over. It's the best show on TV. I wish I could watch it during the day.

[bright-eyes]

yea, spit on the contact...my frined does that all the time. But she has hard lenses.. I can't bear it. i am a germaphobe. And how dirty is the MOUTH! But It seems like that was going to happen even if you didn't spit in your eyeball. Your eye was already showing symptoms.

I am -8.00 in both eyes so I know what you mean about feeling the worth of your vision.

Berry: Dont ever use regular water on soft contacts. It ruins them. Dries them out, actually, makes they stick together and to your eyeball.

[Ms. World]

I just wanted to say hello from Pune, India! I thought your post was amazingly honest and beautifully written.

[tuckergurl]

Thanks. You need to write a new entry on your blog. I am curous about your travels!