I'm Bummed

I wish I could find some deeper, more articulate way to say it but there it is.

I just got back from Orlando and to get more personal than you might want me to, I got my period out of the clear blue sky. It is 10 days early and that only happens when I am really depressed about something but can't really feel it. I can't get angry about it or cry about it. My body just kind of takes it in and this is how it manifests itself. I was really grumpy this morning and was pretty unpsyched to have to ask my new male P.A. to take me to the nearest 7-11 to buy some Aleve.

I think I might not have been so disappointed if I hadn't spent the last two and a half days in Orlando with a group of fantatic black democrats campaigning in the hood. For Election Day, Big Mouth's latest film, I was assigned to spend the day in a soul food restaurant in Orlando, FL. We are shooting verite so we are supposed to be a fly on the wall and just let people's day unfold. It's not easy to do and I did have to "encourage" some people to speak. I hung out with the cooks and the owner and most of the clientele was African American, middle to lower middle class and doing some kind of work for the first time in the political arena.

Everyone started the morning so full of hope and the people there really saw Kerry (or really a new president) as able to make a change in this country. The economy sucks for me but it REALLY sucks for them. I met one guy who just got back from Iraq and who was campaigning for Kerry and there was so much optomism and hope. The cleaning guy there couldn't vote because he was in prison and though he had changed his life for the better thanks to the amazing people who run this restaurant, he can not vote. (Florida does not let anyone who has been in prison vote. More ways to limit the black male vote and therefore keep the conservative voice in office.) For me, I had heard the stats about felon disenfranchisment but to hear someone whor eally wanted to vote, not be able to, EVER, was really tough.

This morning I had to get some footage that I couldn't get yesterday morning, establishing stuff. It was hard because everyone was in a bad mood and there was this sadness in the air. People became strangely distrustful of me and what I was using the footage for. It was strange but I think losing this election and losing their home state of Florida was tough and made them questions and distrust everyone. I decided to leave and let these people have their lives back.

But now I just feel this strange sadness and solitude. I went home from the airport and slept. Am going to have a beer and some pizza and try to be positive. I am happy to be home. I love New York and the more I travel, the more I realize that my New York upbringing has made me a strange creature in some ways. I don't get the folks that vote for Bush be it for religion or whatever. It would be tough for me to be in a state like Florida and know that Bush won and not feel like I would find a community of people who are experiencing it the same way I am. Well, I guess the folks I was filming with felt it that way. I hope they all keep fighting and being as commited and brave as they all were. They moved me so much.

Comments

[neil]

like most people I guess I have gone through a range of emotions today, from rage, confusion, bemusement, confusion and disappointment. I could not vote but didnt think that Americans in so many numbers would willingly vote for another 4 years of this administration. The american psyche is sometimes hard to fathom.

I hope your film goes well. I feel so much sympathy for those people that had so much hope.

Finally at days end, and after some spiritual cleansing with Mike Nichols and then a few red wines, I feel so lucky to be in new york city. Why dont we secede?