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Learning To Love You More I did Assignment #53 and it's up now. Doing something that simple and having it up so quickly just makes you feel accomplished. You all should pick something simple and do it.
As I was doing the Facebook application, "My Year In Statuses", I was reminded that this year is to coming to a rapid close. These days I find that I am never inspired to write here until I feel that something is ending/beginning and reflection is in order. More to come on that but in the meantime, oh, the places I've gone.
*Union City, NJ (I could Isha's house since it's leaving NYC but it always feels like a reach.)
Amsterdam, the Netherlands (Vacation/International Film Festival Premiere of Pushing the Elephant)
This year, I travelled less overall but did cooler things when I did. In the past, I went to a lot more places but they were always for short periods of time for a panel or a shoot, a day or two at most. I look at these places and I can see how this was the year I left my job. I was clearly on some kind of journey at the beginning of the year.
I follow Magpie Girl on Twitter. On her blog, she asked folks to show a photo of you standing in our own power. I chose this photo because it is a photo where I am allowing myself to be smoldering. I am always smiley, rarely smoldering. At my friend's wedding, after a makeup session that can only be rivaled by Zoe Saldana's in Avatar, I took some glamour shots. This photo was the result and though I feel like it is me on my best, best day. I enjoy it.
She also inspired me to create my own 8 Things I Know list. The first few are about me but the rest are life lessons of sorts:
1. That I am smart and funny.
2. That I am always attracted to men that surprise me (and men with accents).
3. That you can survive things you never imagined.
4. That breathe really is everything.
5. That even medicore art is inspirational.
6. That the first thing a man says is always his truth. You have to listen for it though because it's sometimes hard to hear.
7. (I've said this one before.) That regrets aren't that big a deal. They teach you things.
8. That you don't have to be skinny to be sexy. (It's a no brainer but I didn't get it until these past few years.)
8. That you have to take risks in your life in order to grow. (This is something I know but I find difficult to actually practice.)
Creatively, I am working on something that is completely different than the stuff I normally do. (I am so confident about it that I'm not even specifically talking about it.) Anyway, I'm only ok at it so far. I need work and the project needs even more work. The first part of this video resonates for me a lot. It is all about tenacity even when the stuff you are doing is, honestly, not quite as good as you'd like it to be. Fight the good fight!
I need to push harder, try harder, take more risks. I need to think outside the box not only to feed myself but to fulfill my potential. I'm not sure when this came on so strong but I feel/know that my life is changing. Projects are wrapping up and I am starting to ask myself the age old question: What is next? For the first time I'm asking an even bigger, more important question: what kind of life do I want for myself?
I believe in resolutions. They keep me honest. I don’t always live up to them. Who does? But I did do a few like increase my yoga practice, do a detox, see more live music and one that well, is a little too private to share.
So, here are my resolutions for 2010. Let’s see how it goes:
Leave the country twice this year (and Canada does not count).
Apply for more things even if I think I have no chance. (You never know. Getting into Yaddo was a beautiful surprise in 2009. Who knows what else could happen?
Pay my bills on time. (2009 was the year that my poor money choices came and bit me in the ass. I am taking this as a sign to improve.)
Build my savings. (See above.)
Give back more. (I want to do this in a more hands on way by volunteering or tutoring.)
Decrease my use of Facebook. (Sometimes Facebook can get sort of destructive for me. Just take my word on it.)
Cook three times a week. (Not just to save money but to be healthier overall.)
Write a first draft of my script. (Self explanatory.)
Write more articles.
Take a creative writing course. (This is tied to the previous 2 resolutions.)
Love. (I have a more specific goal in mind but that's all I'm sharing.)
Figure out my next step. (Career wise.)
Finish my documentary. (If it is ready to be done that is. Sometimes documentaries are not ready to be done as soon as you'd like them to be. This is especially challenging for me because of my attachment to timelines.)
Keep in better contact with friends and family (outside of social networking).
“For me, this New Year is about saying goodbye, just as much as it is to saying hello. I want to let go of certain beliefs about myself, my story, my life and welcome in new ones. I want to let go. I want to stop looking back and admiring what was, and to start looking to what is, what can be, and what will be.”
I don’t expect a lot to happen in a year honestly. Maybe it’s because I make documentaries but I know that 12 months isn’t as much time as one thinks. Anything worth doing takes time. A lot of it.
This above quote resonated with me in regards to my thoughts on the passage of this decade. I had many beliefs about the life I was going to have before by my 34th year. Of course I never took into consideration the fact that I can't control what obstacles/opportunities would come my way. I just thought I would be living in my Fort Greene brownstone with Maxwell. Oh well. You can't have everything.
So this New Year's Eve, I am saying goodbye to timelines, to underestimating myself, to grudges, to being a little girl. I am saying hello to success, to making myself responsible for my happiness, to going after who and what I want, to loving friends and family more fully, to being a grown ass woman.
At the end of every year I make a list of the places I went. I do this to remind myself of how blessed I am to travel. I also do it to push myself to travel more! I have kept my goal of leaving the country once a year for the past six years. However, I do want to go further, to places that are more out of my comfort zone. I want to travel to more places on my own, instead of relying on work. I want to travel enough so that when I am at the yoga studio I volunteer at, I don't feel jealous every time some classmate tells me about their three weeks in some exotic land. (That might be impossible.)
Here are the places I went in 2009 (*places are places I went to more than once):
Vancouver, Canada
Seattle, Washington
Austin, Texas
San Francisco, CA
Union City, New Jersey*
Hoboken, New Jersey*
Playa del Carmen, Mexico
Boston, Massachusetts*
Washington D.C.*
Arlington, Virginia
Los Angeles, California
I also wanted to do at least one exercise on Gwen Bell'sBest of 2009 Blog Challenge. Day One's challenge was your Best Trip of 2009. This is a hard one. There is a tie because the trips were great for different reasons.
Mexico was amazing because I had to stay off of the internet and just relax. I did not think I was someone who struggled with that but by the end, I was dying to check my email. Lauren did all of the planning and because she is meticulous, I knew it would all work out. And it did! Playa del Carmen is really beautiful but that does without saying. There will be more Mexico in my future.
I went to SXSW, an interactive festival based in Austin, years ago because a film I worked on premiered there. That trip was well ... kind of miserable for a variety of complex reasons. It tainted my feeling on SXSW and Austin in general. We knew we needed to do some more filming in Austin so Beth, Jolene and I decided to make it into a mini vacation (since we were going to have to come out of pocket a bit ourselves). This was the trip I decided to reclaim Austin and the fun festival that I knew SXSW could be. During the five days in Austin, I had so many moments of kindness from people from my friend getting us tickets to the secret Kanye West concert to the great couple who let us stay in their gorgeous house for free. I had made a resolution for 2009 to see more live music and I saw tons during SXSW. I am officially hooked.
To get myself inspired, below are some places that I want to go to someday. Here's hoping for 2010:
Italy (Venice, Florence, Rome)
Scotland
Costa Rica
The French Riviera
New Zealand
Senegal, Benin, Ivory Coast, Egypt (So many places in Africa)
This list is in the order they popped into my head. Looking at it now, I do think they are in their true order. The films go from the expected -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which has topped many people's lists. -- to the unexpected -- Wedding Crashers is genius! I learned a lot about myself making this list. I could tell you what I learned but after you watch these trailers, you'll probably have your own theories:
1. Half Nelson This film is a masterpiece. I have seen it many times and I still am in awe of Fleck’s ability to make a story like this feel fresh and new. Making this film was an absolute act of bravery. The scene below is one of my favorites of all time.
2. Brokeback Mountain Another masterpiece. This film shows you that the act of loving someone, though sometimes difficult and often times painful, is an act of courage. RIP Heath Ledger.
3. Ballast This film is so subtle and beautiful. It is a “real” film about pain and loneliness, not one of the Hollywood kind. (This description makes the film feel like a big downer. Ok, it is but it's still great.)
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Michel Gondry, Charlie Kauffman, Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey are all geniuses. Period.
5. Keane This is a small, small film that is beautifully shot and really gets into a troubled protagonist’s head. Though the NBC series, Life, was great, here’s hoping that Damian Lewis gets another shot at fame
6. The 25th Hour Movies like this remind me that I am a tried and true New Yorker. Spike Lee irritates me but he is one of the few filmmakers that loves New York to the bone. Though this film has problems – what is up with the random tangential sequences – I was extremely creatively inspired by it.
7. The Departed Another imperfect movie but it is so entertaining and well acted. I’ve easily watched it 10-15 times since I saw it in the movie theater. I may never love Leonardo DiCaprio like this again.
8. Superbad Yes, this film is hysterical. I love it because it truthfully and earnestly depicts the power of a good friendship on the verge of change. Watch the end for Jonah Hill’s look to Michael Cera. It's unexpectedly moving.
9. Y Tu Mama Tambien Another homoerotic movie, yes, I’ll admit it. I love them! What impresses me about this film is how it mixes so many themes and never feels disjointed.
10. The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters This movie made me see that making a film about a subject matter that people think is frivolous and crazy can still elicit a great, great film. I guess it was extremely inspirational.
11. Dave Chappelle’s Block Party I was bummed to miss this concert but this documentary made me feel like I was there. It contains some of my favorite musicians at their peak as well as one of my favorite comedians, Dave Chappelle. I know I’ll continue to watch it again and again.
12. Lost in Translation This film is so well directed. Bill Murray mixes sadness and humor effortlessly. Scarlett does her Scarlett thing but it's still a great film.
13. 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days This Romanian film really shook me. Truly.
14. Amelie I was surprised when I learned this film came out in the 2000s. I’ve loved it so long. It is simply magical.
15. Capturing the Friedmans This was one of the first documentaries that made me realize the true ability this genre has to create huge, Shakespearean drama.
16. Before Sunset Ethan Hawke and Julie Delphy have such effortless chemistry. I loved walking through Paris with them.
17. Examined Life This documentary is one of the more recent films on my list. I’ve always been intimidated/bored by philosophy but this film is an intellectual exercise in the best kind of way. I can’t wait to buy it on DVD in February.
18. Trouble the Water A life affirming film about Katrina. Yes, it is possible.
19. The Notebook Yes, this choice is based on my crush on Rachel MacAdams and Ryan Gosling (who both appear twice on this list -- I'm so silly). Still, a beautiful, epic love story is hard to come by and this one delivers.
20. Forever I discovered Heddy Honigmann this decade and fell in love. A poem about death and love. Beautiful!
21. You Can Count On Me A young Mark Ruffalo (before he became famous) and a flawless script by Kenneth Lonergan. This film is a truthful and beautiful portrait of a bond between a brother and a sister. It hits close to home.
22. Wedding Crashers This movie is on TBS all the time and I can never turn it off. It takes the potty mouthed adult movie to a whole new level. Love it.
23. Murderball Who would've thought that a documentary about a team of paraplegic athletes would be so fun and badass? Loved it.
24. Movern Callar This movie made me fall in love with Samantha Morton. Such a strange, beautiful, brilliant little film. Why don't I own it?
25. The Diving Bell and The Butterfly This film is extremely sad and absolutely hypnotic. One of the few instances where the movie is as good, if not better than, the book.
I came out of my blogging slump and blogged about my trip to Austin on my work website. I am having a hard time coming up with complete sentences these days. Twitter has been about the extent of it. I am doing fine No need to worry. L. Britt said it best in her most recent entry. I am going through a spell where I am feeling a bit more private. Plus, I am trying to keep up my exercising and blogging and exercising do not go together well right now.
Anyway, here is my Austin entry below. I had a good time with it:
When you are making a film with no budget, decisions like the location of your main characters becomes as scientific as, "Where can I go for cheap?" Asexuality: The Making of a Movement, one of our films in production, has two characters based in Austin.
Some people ask me why that is and the only truthful answer is that I have been flown there many times over the past two years for conferences (NAMAC and Netroots Nation) and for one of my favorite festivals, SXSW, and since we wanted some characters outside of New York, Austin seemed as good a place as any to find subjects.
A better answer might be that Austin is an extremely progressive city where people who identify as asexual would be embraced a bit more and judged a bit less. That’s true too but the first point is a useful one. This year’s SXSW marks two years of production on this film and Beth, Jolene and I did it up in style with a shoot, some music and some flicks.
We had a great shoot checking in on two of our characters, an asexual woman who recently married a non asexual guy. They are blissfully happy and the guy is 100% fine with his wife’s asexuality. (Some of you may be having a hard time with this concept. I would talk you through it but you’ll just have to wait to see the film. Become a fan on Facebook.)
But my greatest musical moment had to be the Kanye West show with Common, Erykah Badu and several new artists on Kanye’s label. Though Kanye’s ego can drive you nuts -- on more than one occasion, he reminded us that he “saved hip-hop” – he puts on an amazing show.
But back to media. We saw some great social issue docs that are all completely different and well worth mentions.
Sweethearts of the Prison Rodeo: This film is about Oklahoma State Prison - the only remaining U.S. prison rodeo that is actually located on penitentiary grounds. I’m a fan of the competition film and this is an interesting take on that genre.
RIP: A Remix Manifesto: Jolene is a huge fan of Girl Talk, a mash-up musician who makes catchy hits from sampled songs. This movie made fans of all of us and we cannot wait to go to a concert. The film is a portrait of Girl Talk but more than that; it is a manifesto on copyright in the U.S. I wanted more Girl Talk but I guess the other stuff is important too. The filmmakers have created a remix site where viewers can remix the film any way they like so theoretically, I could just make the film I want. I probably won’t be doing that but to all who do, I salute you.
MINE: During our stint as mentors of IFP’s Documentary Rough Cut Lab, MINE was a participating film. Beth and Jolene had watched a previous rough cut but I had only seen a few scenes. MINE is about animals dislocated after Hurricane Katrina, a sort of Kramer vs. Kramer with pets. I will be honest and admit that I am not an animal person and initially was skeptical whether I would get into the film. But it is incredibly moving. I cried two times. And it almost made me want a dog. Almost.
This is the French version of this trailer and it is 100x better than the American one. It makes the film almost look artful. Still, Gwyneth Paltrow living in Brighton Beach ... um, ok.
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